Mindful meditation has been a phrase that popped up on my YouTube search bar too many times. I did not get what mindfulness was at first but still held on to the hope that it might work. Every once in a while, I close my eyes and lie down, listening to a 1-hour video with soothing music on YouTube. Every time I either end up falling asleep or opening my phone halfway to scroll on TikTok and think mindfulness is just made up by the wellness industry to sell me courses. Then once I realize, I am back to thinking about that math class when I said something to myself too loud too many years ago when I was naked with a stone-cold body under my partner. It is then that I realize maybe mindfulness is something I need, but have no idea how to get it.
Mindfulness has been a concept in so many cultures for so long. But we as learners of this concept can get lost on the way to knowing all about it. I did not know that mindfulness is necessary during sex (kind of apparent seeing how much I zone out during that). This is quite shocking for a lot of us since we tend to think that during sex we need to get into that energizing and erotic “mode”, and to “release” a sexier self. During mindful meditation, we need to calm down and get in touch with our true selves. Mindfulness and sex connect. We are going to talk about the connection between sex and mindfulness in this article. So stay tuned.
How to Measure Sexual Mindfulness?
Mindfulness is about how aware of yourself you are at any time. This is why it is hard to measure, especially during sex. Even for scientists, self-measurement is still the primary way of measuring mindfulness (e.g. this research about sexual mindfulness and sexual well-being). Of course, we can’t pull out a questionnaire during sex. That is why we need to learn the skills of how to measure it ourselves to practice it.
There are many theories on how to measure it. The Five Factors Mindfulness Questionnaire by Baer et al. (2006) is one of the most used theories. The five factors are observing, describing, acting with awareness, non-judging of inner experience, and non-reactive to inner experience. We will go through all of these factors one by one. And more importantly, through these skills, how to integrate mindfulness into sex.
Observe Your Inner Self-Meditation
To know what to do with our thoughts, we need to know them first. The first factor is observing, which suggests we pay attention to what is happening inside of us. Having trouble observing ourselves is a very common problem. Do you have trouble keeping yourself energized? Chances are that you ignored your body’s signals that tell you to take a break. This can be caused by many things that can cause this problem. Common ones are General Anxiety Disorder, alcohol abuse, neuro-diversity, and trauma.
Mindfulness outside of sex is a great way to start things. Try meditation 10 min per day first to know what it feels like to observe yourself. Once we get used to it, we will know when we are getting lost in ourselves and how to grab ourselves right back.
It is hard (and there is no need) to change who we are as human beings. And I know being aware of ourselves is extremely hard during sex. Am I pretty enough? Will they hate me if I make weird noises? What if I cum too fast? These thoughts are harmful because they keep our brains and bodies from enjoying what is happening.
Don’t worry because the person right in front of you might be thinking about the same thing. Instead, accept these thoughts and remember why we love our partners. If you do not mind your partner’s noises, they will not mind yours either.
Describe Your Inner Self-Communication with Your Partner
After knowing what you are experiencing, it is no less important to be able to communicate about YOU because of the nature of sex as an activity. Unless you are a solo player, there is at least one more person who is involved in your sexual activity. The study by Beckerman & Sarracco (2011) shows us that this means two things: first, there is a need to communicate; second, what you say matters as well.
A lack of communication is extremely harmful during sex. Tell your partner when you are feeling good and if you have any fantasies that they can fulfill. We cannot read minds, even those of our dearest, unfortunately. That requires us to encourage communication during sex with our partner.
How you communicate matters, too. I have a problem that a lot of things trigger me. I am not saying that triggers are our problem. But it turned me off when my partner used derogatory words to dirty talk with me. One key part of communication is to talk about your boundaries. I sure hope my closest lover knows what I like all the time. But that is not the case. The beauty of relationships comes from us learning and appreciating our partner. Establish your boundaries and respect them.
Acting with Self-Awareness- Take Time During Foreplay
Now you know what to do with yourself and your partner, it is time to explore this together. One crucial part of mindful sex is acting with self-awareness. Simply speaking, do you know what you are doing? Mindfulness is a lifelong habit, and it is hard to master it in a short time. So try to take some time during foreplay. This is because you get to take things slow, look into your partner’s eyes, breathe, touch your partner, and feel the range of sensations in your body so that you can gradually combine your awareness with the fun.
To be more aware of your body, try to do what you normally do. But next time, name all the sensations and feelings towards them at heart. Moreover, don’t make orgasm your goal during foreplay. Instead, focus on the pleasure, and let the orgasm happen naturally.
Non-judging of & Non-reactive to Inner Experience-Focus in the Moment
If you have trouble understanding this concept, think of this as the ability to differentiate “your thoughts” and reality. What usually happens with us is that we criticize ourselves and try too hard to cover our non-existing errors. This can happen because of what is happening inside and outside of us. Except for learning and practicing mindfulness, here are some tips on using your environment to help you focus.
Turn off the devices
Devices like our TVs and phones can be one of the biggest distractions during sex. Whether it is that lions-vs-buffalo scene from Planet Earth II or an unsuspected message from Mom, what is happening on screens can drag us out of any intimate situations. To stay focused on our sensations, it is recommended to turn off all our devices to avoid any potential distractions.
Moreover, more and more people are watching porn during sex. This is because their brains are trained to recognize porn as the only type of stimulation. Of course, you are free to watch any type of legal porn. I mean, who hasn’t read an omega verse fic or two on AO3? However, to stay in touch with YOUR reality, it is beneficial to regulate your porn consumption.
Use toys to practice your sensations
This advice might seem off. I can almost hear all of your voices asking Isn’t mindfulness all about the natural feelings of my body?. Yes. It is about your body. However, sex toys, especially those that vibrate, can be a great medium to connect your body to new sensations. Try using vibrators on your partner’s skin or yours. There is no need to make things sexual during this. What does the materials feel like? What is the temperature? What do different modes of vibrations feel like? Ask yourself these questions while exploring your senses.
Once you feel comfortable enough to move to the next step, we recommend you try to use sex toys during penetrative sex. Toys that can be worn on the male parts while stimulating the inside of the other are growing their popularity. How do your erogenous parts feel with the toys stimulating them? What do other parts of your body feel? What is your emotion at this moment?
Be mindful during sex with sex toys and you will see the changes to your sex life and your mental wellness in the long term.
I hope you are more informed about sex and mindfulness than before. Are you ready to take care of your body and mind through mindfulness? Do you have ideas about practicing mindfulness during sex that you can’t wait to tell your partner? Don’t forget to check if any toys interest you. We here at JMOO wish you to live a mindful life.
Sources
Baer, R. A., Smith, G. T., Hopkins, J., Krietemeyer, J., & Toney, L. (2006). Using self-report assessment methods to explore facets of mindfulness. Assessment, 13(1), 27-45.
Beckerman, N. L., & Sarracco, M. (2011). Enhancing emotionally focused couple therapy through the practice of mindfulness: A case analysis. Journal of Family Psychotherapy, 22(1), 1-15.
Karl, J. A., Johnson, F. N., Bucci, L., & Fischer, R. (2022). In search of mindfulness: a review and reconsideration of cultural dynamics from a cognitive perspective. Journal of the Royal Society of New Zealand, 52(2), 168-191.
Leavitt, C. E., Lefkowitz, E. S., & Waterman, E. A. (2019). The role of sexual mindfulness in sexual wellbeing, Relational wellbeing, and self-esteem. Journal of sex & marital therapy, 45(6), 497-509.
